Parents: Titans Cronus and Rhea
God of the Underworld
Wants: Sunlight, happiness, kids.
Loves: My wife and my three-headed dog
Needs: Spring to get here and bring my wife back.
Hates: Being cooped up by myself. Dead people all around.
What are you looking for in a mate? I have a mate. What’s this about? *shouts* Zeus, you said this was the gods messaging app.
*Zeus* Of course, it is. Just answer the questions-so we can all get to know you.
*Haides* Ok, I’m looking for my wife-she’s my mate.
Past Loves?: Well, I try to be faithful and a good hus-
*Zeus* Double pussy.
*Hades* As I was saying, I’ve tried to be faithful, but there were two other women in my life-
*Haides* There was this sexy nymph, Oceanus’s daughter Luce. I kinda kidnapped her and brought her to the underworld. I flirted a bit but she ignored me. Persephone found out and wanted her dead so I returned her topside and turned her into a poplar tree.
There there was this nymph from the river Cocytus. She smelled so sweet and smiled a lot but again Minthe hated my home so I asked for a kiss and said that I’d take her to the human realm for a kiss. I just pecked her on the cheek, I swear. Once topside, I knew it was a mistake and left her, I didn’t want to upset Persephone-
*Zeus* OMG, Big pussy.
*Haides* Shut up, man. Not all of us are assholes to our wives. Persephone deserves my respect.
*Zeus* I tapped that.
*Haides* She’s your daughter.